I suppose in order to keep my sanity intact I should really be writing much more. It seems that although life was on the upswing momentarily.. I still find myself feeling at a loss.
Let me recap what has happened since my last post:
That wonderful friend who had been upset surprisingly came to our annual New Years Eve party. We did not expect this, yet extended the invitation anyway to show that we would actually like to begin patching up our friendship. However, neither myself or she initiated conversation - except to other people. And a frightful 48 hours later I received a text message that has since gone down in history on my facebook page as she ended our friendship. Oh goodness.
On a MUCH brighter note... before that happened I became the luckiest woman in the world! Matt and I are engaged and happily planning a wedding that will take place this summer. Yay! =)
You must be thinking, how could I possibly still feel stuck in a rut when this was what I wanted so badly? I wonder the same thing. And have realized that it is because I think I truly was depressed over the past several months. Not the kind I could easily work myself out of. The kind that holds you down, doesn't let you feel the right reactions and whatnot. Why don't I get help? Probably because I'm crazy. But mostly because it isn't affecting my relationships with those around me. This tells me I have somewhat of a hold on it.. whether or not that hold will last is a completely different question. I am overly emotional - although, in my defense I have covered some sensitive ground lately. I also have been working much, much more than I had been before Christmas.
I am hoping that I just had a long Christmas break with too many people in a too tiny apartment. Maybe now that I have had time to breathe, time to book a wedding venue and time to spend simply doing nothing with my fiance that I will return to normal once again. I am continually finding every time I write here that this blog changes what it becomes to me. I suppose this is a place where I can share ALL those thoughts in my head. Not only the depressing ones, but the joyous ones, the curious ones as well. I suppose this is a place for wishes, dreams and determination. I would like so badly to develop a routine. I know I am very much a routine kind of person. So it would only make sense that if I could develop a routine for my daily life activities I could be a much more settled, comfortable individual. The problem with this is..... life. Life is never so simple. And lately I don't have much follow through.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Not me, for a change
Alright, so today I'd like to discuss a different kind of situation. I had an encounter (via text) with a person who has been my friend for several years. Her and her boyfriend, and me and my boyfriend hang out and enjoy each other's company. It was one of the few friend groups where we all get along and can share things and be honest without really offending the other. However, everyone has their faults, their issues. But as friends we just brush it off and accept it.
My friend's issue is...well.. there are several... so I'll cover the ones that are relevant:
1. She has severe anxiety and won't do anything about it. So much so that she can't eat normal foods because it upsets her stomach so much.
2. She is at a crossroads in life as she just graduated college - she doesn't know what she wants from life, maybe even doesn't want to be with her boyfriend anymore but doesn't have the balls to tell him.
3. She exaggerates and overreacts to...pretty much everything.
4. Once she has a scenario in her head that is absolutely and positively the only way it happened. It is very difficult to change her mind.
5. She holds grudges like nobody I've ever seen.
Now, this all sounds like it makes a great friend, huh? She has good qualities as well, but for the sake of providing background information about what happened between us, this is all I will give you. My boyfriend and I accept her for who she is and therefore listen when she has an exaggerated story to tell, sympathize with her and listen some more. It is just a part of who she is. We accept this and go with the flow.
As for the reason to why the encounter happened yesterday it goes all the way back to a little before Halloween. We all decided we were going to hang out. I wanted to go somewhere.. like a bar.. or something different from what we ALWAYS do. Apparently that idea didn't go over well because it was decided to hang out at her boyfriend's parent's house. Fun. They all wanted to dress up. I however, made it VERY clear that I don't really enjoy doing that and wouldn't be dressing up - especially if we weren't. going. anywhere. My boyfriend on the other hand was mildly intoxicated at the time and became extremely gung-ho about the dressing up idea. Yes, he made it sound like we would dress up despite the fact that I made myself clear.
Halloween. It just so happened I spent the day of Halloween with another friend. Our football teams were playing a game against one another. My boyfriend had to work until 8 or something close to. While we are hanging out my friend texts me "You'd better be wearing a costume tonight", to which I would have replied, "Yeah.. I got a tiara and that's it". BUT my football friend picked up my phone adn texted her back saying I would be the Impossible Quiz..... its a quiz online... that she didn't know about yet still replied "Sweet!" to. A while later the two of us make the journey to her boyfriend's parent's house. His dad answered the door and greeted us. I told him I was the Cougar princess - Coug t-shirt and tiara in place. I then entered the kitchen where I was greeted by everyone normally except my friend who yells out "I knew you weren't going to dress up!" I brushed it off because I lamely was and also had told her before I don't really do Halloween. It does not stop there. I try to make conversation with people as I normally would. All the while, my friend makes bitchy, rude, ruthless comments directed at only me for not having a costume on.
Am I usually a nice person? Yes. Would I normally have explained myself? Yes. But in this situation I didn't even have time to register what was going on before I felt personally attacked and too uncomfortable to be there, let alone join in the conversation. So I sat quietly.. and waited patiently for my boyfriend who would at least be able to retort something back since he would not be dressed up either.
He called me from outside the house and I told him what had happened. He told me I could just walk out the door and we would leave. But I knew he wanted to see Tyson and had been looking forward to a fun night even though he was still sick. I also assumed she would make another rude remard when he came in and that he would have the courage to say something back. He came in and she said not another word about how lame I was for not having a real costume. He also pulled her boyfriend aside and asked what had been going on and how I felt.. pretty close to tears.. Her boyfriend was kind enough to apologize for her behavior and so I was ready to let it go and continue the night in a better mood. In fact.. the funny thing is... everyone seemed in a better mood. My friend was nice and friendly to me - her normal self. We played beer pong and were even on the same team. I thought everything was settled. Because seriously.. it was just Halloween. And it was just the 4 of us. Really.
Unbeknownst to my boyfriend and me, the reason we hadn't seen them much besides a night at wings where they were both uncomfortably and very noticeably awkward, was because she was STILL upset about Halloween! 2 months later! Wow.
Our encounter was her texting me saying why she was mad and how I lied to her and she spent money on her costume and blah blah blah. So I calmly texted back that I was sorry for the confusion on Halloween, but that I didn't feel like I had personally lied to her - Matt had gotten excited. Of course it was not good enough for she wants me to admit that I'm a terrible person and did a terrible thing. She actually had the audacity to say the situation made her "feel uneasy about hanging out" with us. Wow again. It was just Halloween... nowhere. I refuse to tell her I am sorry for being a terrible person, and keep repeating that I am sorry there was confusion. But it is no good. And her boyfriend who knows the situation is stupid, heard the reasons behind the confusion and talked it out with Matt hasn't done anything to calm her down or make her realize that this is STUPID. So we are screwed because he won't stand up and contradict her. Fantastic.
Not only does this get my blood absolutely boiling, but now I do not think I will ever feel that comfortable around her even if it does get resolved. Way to burn a bridge and ruin a great friendship over the smallest, stupidest thing ever. Leave it to her, its what she does best.
My friend's issue is...well.. there are several... so I'll cover the ones that are relevant:
1. She has severe anxiety and won't do anything about it. So much so that she can't eat normal foods because it upsets her stomach so much.
2. She is at a crossroads in life as she just graduated college - she doesn't know what she wants from life, maybe even doesn't want to be with her boyfriend anymore but doesn't have the balls to tell him.
3. She exaggerates and overreacts to...pretty much everything.
4. Once she has a scenario in her head that is absolutely and positively the only way it happened. It is very difficult to change her mind.
5. She holds grudges like nobody I've ever seen.
Now, this all sounds like it makes a great friend, huh? She has good qualities as well, but for the sake of providing background information about what happened between us, this is all I will give you. My boyfriend and I accept her for who she is and therefore listen when she has an exaggerated story to tell, sympathize with her and listen some more. It is just a part of who she is. We accept this and go with the flow.
As for the reason to why the encounter happened yesterday it goes all the way back to a little before Halloween. We all decided we were going to hang out. I wanted to go somewhere.. like a bar.. or something different from what we ALWAYS do. Apparently that idea didn't go over well because it was decided to hang out at her boyfriend's parent's house. Fun. They all wanted to dress up. I however, made it VERY clear that I don't really enjoy doing that and wouldn't be dressing up - especially if we weren't. going. anywhere. My boyfriend on the other hand was mildly intoxicated at the time and became extremely gung-ho about the dressing up idea. Yes, he made it sound like we would dress up despite the fact that I made myself clear.
Halloween. It just so happened I spent the day of Halloween with another friend. Our football teams were playing a game against one another. My boyfriend had to work until 8 or something close to. While we are hanging out my friend texts me "You'd better be wearing a costume tonight", to which I would have replied, "Yeah.. I got a tiara and that's it". BUT my football friend picked up my phone adn texted her back saying I would be the Impossible Quiz..... its a quiz online... that she didn't know about yet still replied "Sweet!" to. A while later the two of us make the journey to her boyfriend's parent's house. His dad answered the door and greeted us. I told him I was the Cougar princess - Coug t-shirt and tiara in place. I then entered the kitchen where I was greeted by everyone normally except my friend who yells out "I knew you weren't going to dress up!" I brushed it off because I lamely was and also had told her before I don't really do Halloween. It does not stop there. I try to make conversation with people as I normally would. All the while, my friend makes bitchy, rude, ruthless comments directed at only me for not having a costume on.
Am I usually a nice person? Yes. Would I normally have explained myself? Yes. But in this situation I didn't even have time to register what was going on before I felt personally attacked and too uncomfortable to be there, let alone join in the conversation. So I sat quietly.. and waited patiently for my boyfriend who would at least be able to retort something back since he would not be dressed up either.
He called me from outside the house and I told him what had happened. He told me I could just walk out the door and we would leave. But I knew he wanted to see Tyson and had been looking forward to a fun night even though he was still sick. I also assumed she would make another rude remard when he came in and that he would have the courage to say something back. He came in and she said not another word about how lame I was for not having a real costume. He also pulled her boyfriend aside and asked what had been going on and how I felt.. pretty close to tears.. Her boyfriend was kind enough to apologize for her behavior and so I was ready to let it go and continue the night in a better mood. In fact.. the funny thing is... everyone seemed in a better mood. My friend was nice and friendly to me - her normal self. We played beer pong and were even on the same team. I thought everything was settled. Because seriously.. it was just Halloween. And it was just the 4 of us. Really.
Unbeknownst to my boyfriend and me, the reason we hadn't seen them much besides a night at wings where they were both uncomfortably and very noticeably awkward, was because she was STILL upset about Halloween! 2 months later! Wow.
Our encounter was her texting me saying why she was mad and how I lied to her and she spent money on her costume and blah blah blah. So I calmly texted back that I was sorry for the confusion on Halloween, but that I didn't feel like I had personally lied to her - Matt had gotten excited. Of course it was not good enough for she wants me to admit that I'm a terrible person and did a terrible thing. She actually had the audacity to say the situation made her "feel uneasy about hanging out" with us. Wow again. It was just Halloween... nowhere. I refuse to tell her I am sorry for being a terrible person, and keep repeating that I am sorry there was confusion. But it is no good. And her boyfriend who knows the situation is stupid, heard the reasons behind the confusion and talked it out with Matt hasn't done anything to calm her down or make her realize that this is STUPID. So we are screwed because he won't stand up and contradict her. Fantastic.
Not only does this get my blood absolutely boiling, but now I do not think I will ever feel that comfortable around her even if it does get resolved. Way to burn a bridge and ruin a great friendship over the smallest, stupidest thing ever. Leave it to her, its what she does best.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Feeling Determination
The great depression seems to have been lifted for the time being. And it has been replaced with a BURNING desire to finally find a real live job! Not that I haven't been looking... but now I suppose I'm being a little more proactive. I am sorry it has taken me this long to continue pursuing other job options.
It is moments like these where I wonder "why on Earth is Matt not upset with me? How can he be so kind and understanding?" I feel like I am letting him down by not being 100%. I want to have a job with stability..consistency.. I really do. Unfortunately I believe it might take a while. And if all else fails by next spring/summer I will be the best darn interviewer for a teaching position the state of Washington has ever seen!! Wouldn't that be nice. A job where I was getting paid a steady salary. On which we could get married, or live somewhere else, or take a trip. Oh man. MY life is passing before my eyes. Everyone else is hanging around, hanging in there. They have jobs, and are cruising right along. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have always been successful at whatever it is I was doing. Why not now, when I need it the most?
It is like a whole other life change I am going through. I already had my heart broken, crushed.. and became a better person for it. Now this. I must be put down because I've become so complacent with my mediocre successes in life. I guess I'm thankful for the opportunity to become stronger and who I ultimately want to be, but SHEESH. I'm already in the vicious circle process. Something has got to give eventually.
While I'm writing this I think how amazing it would be if I could actually type my thoughts as fast as I think through them. But of course... this is not possible. My brain whirs miles ahead of what my fingers would ever be capable of. Which is probably why anyone who would read this would wonder why it is so scattered and all over the place. Welcome to my brain, readers!
Anyway. On another note.. where else would be an interesting place for me to find work? I've applied and applied and all I can really think is, man, I wish I could work for an event planning agency.. or something of the sort... Perhaps I just have too much wedding on the mind. That is more than likely it. I am literally always thinking about wedding something. Even when I don't want to, or don't realize I am. Things relate directly back to "wedding". Pathetic. Although I've never really wanted anything more in my life than the way I want this. I am nervous, excited, elated, anxious, gloriously happy as I wait for the proposal that feels like it will never come - or feels like it is being put off due to lack of money because yours truly doesn't have a stable job! Ack!!! VICIOUS CIRCLE! Seriously. But whatever happened to the just "take a leap" method of love. I'm hoping for that. And that Matt doesn't let the more serious, real world money problems bog him down, or slow his plans. Although we don't really qualify as people with "money problems". I mean really we could be worse off. I suppose it all feels so ready to crack and break because we aren't exactly in that totally secure zone with a backup fund to kill our worries. That's just the way it goes isn't it? We are young, all young people must go through this. They don't act like it though. Maybe that is what freaks me out so much. Nobody else appears like they worry... at all.. Its just appearance though. I have to keep reminding myself that everybody worries.. other people are in the same situation we are. Except they are just getting married right and left.. I want my ring!!
I had actually forgotten I started this up until just the other day. That's probably a good sign, right? That means I wasn't so depressed I was feeling the need to write it out. Although today I'm not depressed either, I just simply remembered it existed. Plus I've had the situation-changing determination to make my lot better than it has been.
We will see how that goes... wish me luck. We all know I'm gonna need it!
I once considered writing a book but panicked because I didn't think I would have much to say. I would probably need a great editor for organization and flow's sake though. Because man I feel like I'm all over the place!
It is moments like these where I wonder "why on Earth is Matt not upset with me? How can he be so kind and understanding?" I feel like I am letting him down by not being 100%. I want to have a job with stability..consistency.. I really do. Unfortunately I believe it might take a while. And if all else fails by next spring/summer I will be the best darn interviewer for a teaching position the state of Washington has ever seen!! Wouldn't that be nice. A job where I was getting paid a steady salary. On which we could get married, or live somewhere else, or take a trip. Oh man. MY life is passing before my eyes. Everyone else is hanging around, hanging in there. They have jobs, and are cruising right along. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have always been successful at whatever it is I was doing. Why not now, when I need it the most?
It is like a whole other life change I am going through. I already had my heart broken, crushed.. and became a better person for it. Now this. I must be put down because I've become so complacent with my mediocre successes in life. I guess I'm thankful for the opportunity to become stronger and who I ultimately want to be, but SHEESH. I'm already in the vicious circle process. Something has got to give eventually.
While I'm writing this I think how amazing it would be if I could actually type my thoughts as fast as I think through them. But of course... this is not possible. My brain whirs miles ahead of what my fingers would ever be capable of. Which is probably why anyone who would read this would wonder why it is so scattered and all over the place. Welcome to my brain, readers!
Anyway. On another note.. where else would be an interesting place for me to find work? I've applied and applied and all I can really think is, man, I wish I could work for an event planning agency.. or something of the sort... Perhaps I just have too much wedding on the mind. That is more than likely it. I am literally always thinking about wedding something. Even when I don't want to, or don't realize I am. Things relate directly back to "wedding". Pathetic. Although I've never really wanted anything more in my life than the way I want this. I am nervous, excited, elated, anxious, gloriously happy as I wait for the proposal that feels like it will never come - or feels like it is being put off due to lack of money because yours truly doesn't have a stable job! Ack!!! VICIOUS CIRCLE! Seriously. But whatever happened to the just "take a leap" method of love. I'm hoping for that. And that Matt doesn't let the more serious, real world money problems bog him down, or slow his plans. Although we don't really qualify as people with "money problems". I mean really we could be worse off. I suppose it all feels so ready to crack and break because we aren't exactly in that totally secure zone with a backup fund to kill our worries. That's just the way it goes isn't it? We are young, all young people must go through this. They don't act like it though. Maybe that is what freaks me out so much. Nobody else appears like they worry... at all.. Its just appearance though. I have to keep reminding myself that everybody worries.. other people are in the same situation we are. Except they are just getting married right and left.. I want my ring!!
I had actually forgotten I started this up until just the other day. That's probably a good sign, right? That means I wasn't so depressed I was feeling the need to write it out. Although today I'm not depressed either, I just simply remembered it existed. Plus I've had the situation-changing determination to make my lot better than it has been.
We will see how that goes... wish me luck. We all know I'm gonna need it!
I once considered writing a book but panicked because I didn't think I would have much to say. I would probably need a great editor for organization and flow's sake though. Because man I feel like I'm all over the place!
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Journey Begins..
I suppose I had a lucid moment tonight from the fog I've been in, in which I thought it would be a bright idea to channel my feelings through something other than human contact. You can only bring those around you down so much.. If I keep up with it... which is doubtful at this point.. I think maybe it will help. Maybe it will alleviate some part of this lost, helpless feeling.
Maybe everyone goes through this.. maybe they don't. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, I can do that on my own. But when it really comes down to it, I can't do things on my own. I sometimes get lost along the way. I trek off the beaten track which is my life into a dark forest I guess, where nothing seems possible anymore.
I was supposed to have a job. I was supposed to be a teacher - a bright, perky, energetic, enthusiastic, young teacher with the world in front of her. I was supposed to get that ring soon. The one I already picked out, the one that is half paid for already. I was supposed to be able to get out of this one bedroom apartment. I was supposed to be starting my life. I was supposed to be enjoying some of the most exciting times of my life. But I don't have that. I sub, I don't have a real job. That's depressing.
Is that what I am - depressed? Sometimes, yes. Other times, the good times, all that goes away. So I guess maybe I'm not a severe case. But when it comes back, and it does... I think otherwise.
I don't really know what happened. How I ended up like this. Except I guess I do. It just really comes down to this -- I'm in deep this time, deeper than I've ever been. I can no longer see the point of what it is that we do our entire adult lives. It seems a little ridiculous really. But I shouldn't be focusing on that. I'm supposed to focus on what I do have. What is good. Where I can go from here.
Who knows what will happen.
Maybe everyone goes through this.. maybe they don't. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, I can do that on my own. But when it really comes down to it, I can't do things on my own. I sometimes get lost along the way. I trek off the beaten track which is my life into a dark forest I guess, where nothing seems possible anymore.
I was supposed to have a job. I was supposed to be a teacher - a bright, perky, energetic, enthusiastic, young teacher with the world in front of her. I was supposed to get that ring soon. The one I already picked out, the one that is half paid for already. I was supposed to be able to get out of this one bedroom apartment. I was supposed to be starting my life. I was supposed to be enjoying some of the most exciting times of my life. But I don't have that. I sub, I don't have a real job. That's depressing.
Is that what I am - depressed? Sometimes, yes. Other times, the good times, all that goes away. So I guess maybe I'm not a severe case. But when it comes back, and it does... I think otherwise.
I don't really know what happened. How I ended up like this. Except I guess I do. It just really comes down to this -- I'm in deep this time, deeper than I've ever been. I can no longer see the point of what it is that we do our entire adult lives. It seems a little ridiculous really. But I shouldn't be focusing on that. I'm supposed to focus on what I do have. What is good. Where I can go from here.
Who knows what will happen.
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