Feeling Determination

The great depression seems to have been lifted for the time being. And it has been replaced with a BURNING desire to finally find a real live job! Not that I haven't been looking... but now I suppose I'm being a little more proactive. I am sorry it has taken me this long to continue pursuing other job options.

It is moments like these where I wonder "why on Earth is Matt not upset with me? How can he be so kind and understanding?" I feel like I am letting him down by not being 100%. I want to have a job with stability..consistency.. I really do. Unfortunately I believe it might take a while. And if all else fails by next spring/summer I will be the best darn interviewer for a teaching position the state of Washington has ever seen!! Wouldn't that be nice. A job where I was getting paid a steady salary. On which we could get married, or live somewhere else, or take a trip. Oh man. MY life is passing before my eyes. Everyone else is hanging around, hanging in there. They have jobs, and are cruising right along. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have always been successful at whatever it is I was doing. Why not now, when I need it the most?

It is like a whole other life change I am going through. I already had my heart broken, crushed.. and became a better person for it. Now this. I must be put down because I've become so complacent with my mediocre successes in life. I guess I'm thankful for the opportunity to become stronger and who I ultimately want to be, but SHEESH. I'm already in the vicious circle process. Something has got to give eventually.

While I'm writing this I think how amazing it would be if I could actually type my thoughts as fast as I think through them. But of course... this is not possible. My brain whirs miles ahead of what my fingers would ever be capable of. Which is probably why anyone who would read this would wonder why it is so scattered and all over the place. Welcome to my brain, readers!

Anyway. On another note.. where else would be an interesting place for me to find work? I've applied and applied and all I can really think is, man, I wish I could work for an event planning agency.. or something of the sort... Perhaps I just have too much wedding on the mind. That is more than likely it. I am literally always thinking about wedding something. Even when I don't want to, or don't realize I am. Things relate directly back to "wedding". Pathetic. Although I've never really wanted anything more in my life than the way I want this. I am nervous, excited, elated, anxious, gloriously happy as I wait for the proposal that feels like it will never come - or feels like it is being put off due to lack of money because yours truly doesn't have a stable job! Ack!!! VICIOUS CIRCLE! Seriously. But whatever happened to the just "take a leap" method of love. I'm hoping for that. And that Matt doesn't let the more serious, real world money problems bog him down, or slow his plans. Although we don't really qualify as people with "money problems". I mean really we could be worse off. I suppose it all feels so ready to crack and break because we aren't exactly in that totally secure zone with a backup fund to kill our worries. That's just the way it goes isn't it? We are young, all young people must go through this. They don't act like it though. Maybe that is what freaks me out so much. Nobody else appears like they worry... at all.. Its just appearance though. I have to keep reminding myself that everybody worries.. other people are in the same situation we are. Except they are just getting married right and left.. I want my ring!!

I had actually forgotten I started this up until just the other day. That's probably a good sign, right? That means I wasn't so depressed I was feeling the need to write it out. Although today I'm not depressed either, I just simply remembered it existed. Plus I've had the situation-changing determination to make my lot better than it has been.

We will see how that goes... wish me luck. We all know I'm gonna need it!

I once considered writing a book but panicked because I didn't think I would have much to say. I would probably need a great editor for organization and flow's sake though. Because man I feel like I'm all over the place!

The Journey Begins..

I suppose I had a lucid moment tonight from the fog I've been in, in which I thought it would be a bright idea to channel my feelings through something other than human contact. You can only bring those around you down so much.. If I keep up with it... which is doubtful at this point.. I think maybe it will help. Maybe it will alleviate some part of this lost, helpless feeling.

Maybe everyone goes through this.. maybe they don't. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, I can do that on my own. But when it really comes down to it, I can't do things on my own. I sometimes get lost along the way. I trek off the beaten track which is my life into a dark forest I guess, where nothing seems possible anymore.

I was supposed to have a job. I was supposed to be a teacher - a bright, perky, energetic, enthusiastic, young teacher with the world in front of her. I was supposed to get that ring soon. The one I already picked out, the one that is half paid for already. I was supposed to be able to get out of this one bedroom apartment. I was supposed to be starting my life. I was supposed to be enjoying some of the most exciting times of my life. But I don't have that. I sub, I don't have a real job. That's depressing.

Is that what I am - depressed? Sometimes, yes. Other times, the good times, all that goes away. So I guess maybe I'm not a severe case. But when it comes back, and it does... I think otherwise.

I don't really know what happened. How I ended up like this. Except I guess I do. It just really comes down to this -- I'm in deep this time, deeper than I've ever been. I can no longer see the point of what it is that we do our entire adult lives. It seems a little ridiculous really. But I shouldn't be focusing on that. I'm supposed to focus on what I do have. What is good. Where I can go from here.


Who knows what will happen.