I suppose I had a lucid moment tonight from the fog I've been in, in which I thought it would be a bright idea to channel my feelings through something other than human contact. You can only bring those around you down so much.. If I keep up with it... which is doubtful at this point.. I think maybe it will help. Maybe it will alleviate some part of this lost, helpless feeling.
Maybe everyone goes through this.. maybe they don't. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, I can do that on my own. But when it really comes down to it, I can't do things on my own. I sometimes get lost along the way. I trek off the beaten track which is my life into a dark forest I guess, where nothing seems possible anymore.
I was supposed to have a job. I was supposed to be a teacher - a bright, perky, energetic, enthusiastic, young teacher with the world in front of her. I was supposed to get that ring soon. The one I already picked out, the one that is half paid for already. I was supposed to be able to get out of this one bedroom apartment. I was supposed to be starting my life. I was supposed to be enjoying some of the most exciting times of my life. But I don't have that. I sub, I don't have a real job. That's depressing.
Is that what I am - depressed? Sometimes, yes. Other times, the good times, all that goes away. So I guess maybe I'm not a severe case. But when it comes back, and it does... I think otherwise.
I don't really know what happened. How I ended up like this. Except I guess I do. It just really comes down to this -- I'm in deep this time, deeper than I've ever been. I can no longer see the point of what it is that we do our entire adult lives. It seems a little ridiculous really. But I shouldn't be focusing on that. I'm supposed to focus on what I do have. What is good. Where I can go from here.
Who knows what will happen.
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